If You Scream You Get Veggie Burgers

This is what I love about holidays: I can bribe the kids. Christmas is by far the easiest because I get an entire month in which elves are reporting bad behavior and miscreant activities to the powers that be at the North Pole. However I can work other holidays to my advantage as well.

Easter, for example. Today started out like any other day. A scream, a shout, angry protests followed by thuds of toys hitting walls and children jumping off of bunk beds or perhaps dangling from ceiling fans. I have no idea what those noises indicate because I no longer check unless someone informs me that blood is involved. Even then I take my sweet time unless there is silence. There is nothing more eerie than silence. Today was not silent. There was loud chaos and rumblings which began at the usual ungodly hour of 5:30, which is a fantastic time for rumblings and chaos. All sorts of injustices were apparently occurring but I don't involve myself in these altercations. If I get involved whatever toy or activity is in question goes away and becomes mine.

The noise level escalated, as it usually does, until it was time to serve the beasts breakfast. Different but equally jarring sounds of protest and cries of injustice issue forth from the breakfast table. The four beings were not quelled after being sated with sustenance so I threw them outside. If you play with the dog you get to chew gum. Go outside. Its a good bribe. We don't usually have gum. My kids will work for gum. For the time being, anyway.
OK, it didn't work. Well, getting them outside worked, but screaming and fighting and shoving and irritating one another wasn't quite what I'd had in mind. One decided someone else's toy didn't work well which resulted in a fit of tears because yes, it does work well! Someone else found bubbles and deliberately blew them in someone else's eye, just to be mean! Then someone stood right where someone else was scootering and someone looked at something and it was not OK and someone else did some other thing and it was all very horrible and unfair. So I told them to go inside.
Once inside I broke out the big guns. The big Easter guns. I started speaking slowly, carefully, softly but with a great deal of conviction.

"Did you know", I paused for affect and also to quickly concoct my tale, " the Easter bunny does not bring chocolate to boys and girls who fight and scream the day before Easter?" I stared at them solemnly. They stared back solemnly, this had not crossed their minds. Why had it not crossed my mind until now?
" The Easter bunny", I continued," will bring you a basket of veggie burgers. The ones from Costco". Oh how my children loathe those veggie burgers, which I found out after buying a case of them. " The Easter bunny will hop on down the bunny trail and take a quick turn to hop on over to Costco on his way here". Costco is everywhere these days.
One small child was caught up in the story of it all. Another had eyes filled with a combination of wonder and horror.
" But, I don't like those", she whispered, aghast.
" I know". I offered, sagely.

Silence.

Oh how I love silence.

A few minutes later some sort of injustice was almost discovered but a quick reminder of veggie burgers was all it took to silence the dissent. The afternoon was looking up.

This evening however hit a bit of a snag.

" Mommy? I'm scared of the Easter bunny. He has red scary eyes. Is he going to come into our house when I'm sleeping?"

" He just hops on in to leave you chocolate, or veggie burgers. Did you clean your room? I don't want him to trip".

" Will he hop in my room? And touch me? I'm scared of the Easter bunny. I don't want him to touch me."

Hmmmm, if you leave a mess in your room he will hop in there and trip and fall onto your bed. Picking up might be a good idea.

" Mommy? I want to sleep in your bed so he doesn't attack me".

Easter bunnies don't attack, but just in case we will leave out this piece of cabbage in the kitchen so he will get all distracted and stay in there.

"OK, but Mommy? I don't want him in here, what if he comes in my room and has red eyes?"

Easter bunnies are scared of air so you can take this empty spray bottle and if you see him hop into your room you can squirt him.

" OK, and Mommy? I get chocolate for breakfast?"

As long as you never scream again.